Before we all freak out and say "OMG you're adopting?!!!" - just relax. Like I said, we are taking a little break before trying again. But...
Since Brad's heart attack we've been thinking about many things. Probably more on my mind than his is our health, and genetics, and what we will be passing on to our children. First, let me get this out of the way and say that if every couple had to consider family history and genes before they started trying to have children - no one would ever have children. Nearly everyone has a family history of something, or a condition that can be passed on to a child. Trying to have a child regardless of these is not selfish in the least in my opinion.
So we (meaning I) kept thinking... Brad had an basically inexplicable heart attack (two of them actually) at 28 years old. As a child he had many problems with his growth, a misshapen pituitary, countless corrective surgeries on his legs, and other things I probably don't know about. His mother has diabetes and literally probably 4-5 other diseases or conditions I don't even know the name of. But she is basically bedridden and being cared for by Brad's father. All these things may or may not pass down to our future children. I am also not without problems...my mother has Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis and in inoperable brain tumor. As of right now, I don't think I have any of these! But I still may be a genetic carrier for any of them.
Anyway, this has lead me to consider the almost unthinkable for me. Adoption is truly a blessing for MANY people...birthmothers and adoptive parents alike. But the thought of not ever being pregnant, having cravings and midnight pickle runs, not feeling the little kicks inside me, feeling that bond, breastfeeding, having a child with someone else's nose, eyes, hair, entire genetic makeup...honestly feels like the end of the world for me.
I sort of thought about it more, and remembered what it was like when I was younger. I was very naive and even sitting on a toilet after a boy sat on it would put me into a frenzy..."Please God don't let me be pregnant..." Because that, for me, would also have been the end of the world.
Life obviously throws us all curveballs, some more than others. Birthmothers and adoptive parents are like little missing puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. Perfect solutions to one another's needs.
As I read more and more birthmother stories, and stories from adoptive parents...I'm becoming more and more aware of what I'm really in this for. I try to stop the feeling of sadness I get for the adoptive parents...Are they infertile, too? Why do they 'have' to adopt? Or for the birthmother.... Why did that teenager have to have sex? Why didn't they use protection? Why did they have relations out of wedlock? I swallow the lump in my throat and my judgement and look at the baby I realize it's all for them. It's not about the parents, it's not about the birthmother. It's about the child, who is a human, and will grow up and be an adult. What will that adult say about his or her life? "Dang I wish I had been raised by my 20 year old mom who didn't get a chance to go to college because of me?"
As the website clearly conveys, It's About Love. Not about me, or my want to be pregnant. Not about just wanting my baby to look like me or act or talk like me and my husband. It's about more than that. While I still wish more than anything to be pregnant one day - I am willing to sacrifice my own wants for that of my child. And I think that's probably a good step towards motherhood, eh? There are many more facets of adoption to consider like open or closed, and what age to adopt, etc... But for now, I'm just trying to grow up a little and realize that not everything is perfect, and some things are just meant to be.