Ahhh Clomid...

Up to this point, I have been very fortunate on my measly 50mgs of Clomid. No real side effects to speak of....some minor headaches, VERY minor hot flashes...but that's about it. I wouldn't have noticed if I weren't so "in tune" with my body now that I'm paying attention to ever grumble, twinge, pain, and tingle. The doc bumped me up to 100mgs, and I took my last dose yesterday. (Today is CD 10.)

I was prepared to have a complete mental breakdown this cycle - so when Brad and I got into a fight a few days ago, and I felt like I wanted to take a knife to his abdomen, I tried to calm myself down as I knew it was a result of the Clomid. Thankfully, while we were fighting he crept away in slight fear, but mostly confusion as I simmered in the house alone. I've been mad at him before (VERY mad) but I never felt physical pain from the anxiety and rage. My heart felt like it was going to choke me, my brain was so foggy I couldn't think. My chest hurt for a good 20 minutes later. I was too mad to throw anything, scream, or cry - but mostly mad because I knew my feelings weren't legitimate even though they felt so "real." Anyway, I wrote Brad an evil letter....then later we both laughed at it. I think I handled it pretty well - and it's the only "episode" I had.

I feel a lot more action from my ovaries, but in small waves. Little twinges of pain here and there as those follies develop. Lots of action is coming from leftie this cycle. Not much from rightie. Last cycle rightie was the active one, and the cycle before that leftie was being a total B word and a cyst ruptured. So definitely more noticeable.

The last and most horribly devastating side effect is my baldness. Okay, not really. But the other day I was looking in the mirror and I noticed that my hair in my "bangs" area was looking a little sparse. I figured it was just the way my hair was styled or something and passed it off. Then a few days later, I had my hair up and Brad said "are you going BALD??"....of course half joking, but half serious...he also passed it off as my hair style. But upon later inspection I realized my hair IS thinning!!! OMG!!!! And my formerly few chin hairs crept up from like 5 hairs...then up to 10....then like 20!!!! What is going on? I thought weight loss, metformin, and Clomid were supposed to HELP with this stuff?? I read that Clomid can cause alopecia (hair loss) in less than like .1% of women. Gee. Awesome. But it's reversible, so as soon as I'm off it it will thicken up again.

I am also taking the D-Chiro Inositol that I got from ChiralBalance.com. I haven't noticed any change in my hair...other than well...the fact that the OPPOSITE of what should be happening, is happening. Who knows...maybe the little capsules are filled with cornstarch?? I have to open them up and take the DCI in powder form. It tastes a little like sugar. But I've only been on it for about a week and they said it takes a few months...

Anyway. It's Cycle #3, and were are on day 10. I still have about 10 days until I ovulate or need to worry about it. That's according to my past charts of course, which could be different this time because I am on a higher dose of Clomid.

I am going to start taking OPK's on CD 12 right after work at about 5pm. I will avoid drinking water two hours before the test as well, so we can be consistent. Then as soon as I start getting EWCM and other signs of O, I will start taking them two or three times per day, depending on how dark they are. All of my cycles so far have shown a nice progression from light to dark. Except my last one, which showed TWO progressions in OPK's! Ugh! But thankfully I was temping, so I caught my REAL ovulation day.

Sorry for the long post...emotionally I feel a little down. Honestly, I am feeling like it's just not going to happen. Why? Well, because I actually OVULATED the last two cycles. (Or at least Cycle #2. Cycle #1 could have just been a cyst.) And I know there's only a 20% chance that I'll get preggo each cycle anyway (with perfect spermies, eggies, etc...) So the likelihood that it will happen just isn't looking good. Plus, Brad is all stressed out and depressed and full of problems of his own. *sigh* I still have hope of course, and during the 2WW I am sure I will feel like I'm pregnant the whole time. After this cycle I'm not doing Clomid anymore. For awhile at least. I just really wish it would HAPPEN. Ugh.

Okay, I Lied a Little

Alright, alright. So hubby and I were driving a few days ago, talking about how we were "waiting" to keep TTC for a few months in order to lose some more weight. I just started my third cycle Tuesday. I mentioned that the "standard" Clomid regimen is three cycles, and usually people get pregnant by their third cycle or so. (Was this a subconcious ploy to convince him? I really didn't mean for it to sound that way as I had come to terms with waiting.) He looked at me perplexed and was like... "Really?? Well what the heck are we doing?? Let's do a third cycle!" I was surprised...but I figured, why not!? If three cycles is what it tends to take, and we stop at TWO and have to start all over again in a few months, that would suck.


So I went to the crotch doc Thursday. He said my chart was awesome but that I have a "Leuteal Phase defect" to which I sort of rolled my eyes. My temp dipped a teensy bit in this last LP, making my chart have a "U" shape (sort of). I think it's my thermometer...


Despite that, he said Clomid usually clears up any LP defects anyway. This time he DOUBLED MY DOSE TO 100mgs!!!! I took my second dose yesterday....

I am making a few changes to this cycle. This morning I got on the scale and the needle was right at 185. I want to lose 5-10lbs this cycle. I don't really care HOW MUCH I lose as long as I am doing the following:

- In the "Making Babies book, they suggest a diet very low in grains and high in vegetables, fruits, and protien. Of course. So I made a MEAL PLAN!!! And I bought all the food for it this weekend.

- I gotta follow the lap-band diet to a "T". No drinking with meals, no snacking, no soups.

- 30 minutes of moderate cardio 4 days per week. It's not that hard. I need to do it.

Supplements/Pills:
- 2000 mgs metformin/day.
- 100mgs Clomid CD 5-9
- Prenatal supplement taken at various intervals throughout the day. Many times we just pop a whole pill, and our bodies get rid of all the extra stuff it doesn't immediately use. So breaking the pill into thirds, and having one with each meal allows your body to better absorb all the vitamins and minerals.
- D-Chiro Inositol, two pills per day.

Wish me luck!! Third time's a charm! I WILL say one thing though. Going from 50mgs/day to 100mgs/day certainly makes the twinges in my ovaries STRONGER. Ow!!!

It's Just Amazing...

...how I can now pinpoint the moment my period will start. And pretty much the moment of ovulation. And yet...even knowing my body so well...still not preggo!

The last two cycles I started AF at Wal-Mart on a Monday night. Right around 7:30-8pm. Weird.

Oh, and if you all are wondering about that Making Babies program, check out www.makingbabiesprogram.com. They have a less-detailed list of symptoms for each body type. But in the book they give you like meal plans, supplement info, etc... I have no idea where to start honestly. I wish they just had this nice, outlined diet plan for me. But I guess I will have to do that myself. *sigh*

Oh well...here's to a new cycle!

Almost Writing Off Cycle 2

So today is CD 35 and my temp went from about 97.5-97.7 down to 97.2 today. I am pretty sure AF is going to start right on time tomorrow! I've had mild cramps for a few days too, plus I took a pregnancy test 10DPO (early I know) and it was negative. Not even a measley EVAP line to mistake for a BFP.



So anywhoo...here's my chart. My cycles are definitely too long, and I am ovulating way late, even on Clomid. So I think it's time to drop 20lbs and stop the drugs (as mentioned in my previous post.)

As always, I had very very sore boobs from O day all the way up until...well..NOW. My chart is just this very delayed...slow process and in the book I read called "Making Babies" that's a classic symptom of the "Waterlogged" body type who commonly also has PCOS! (If you haven't read that book....GO. Read. NOW!) I'll probably talk a lot more about this later.

I'm also thinking about ordering some DCI... It's expensive in pill form, but you can also get it from buckwheat! But you have to eat like four buckwheat muffins per day and I'm not really down with that. I wanted to get some because I looked at my scalp yesterday and was like....wait...am I thinning?? And despite metformin and weight loss...my moustache isn't subsiding. I think it's getting worse? Thank goodness for tweezers. PCOS hasn't really been THAT big of a problem for me in those areas until recently. Especially the hair part. Maybe it's because I dyed my hair? Maybe I slept on it funny? I dunno...but I'm gonna try it.

Wish me luck!

In the 2WW!!!

Check it out!! I KNEW I O'd that day! Literally I woke up and went to work...and felt very..."squishy" down there...I was like...whoa! So I went to the bathroom, and sure enough...a GINORM string (more like mass) of EWCM! I was like...HOLY CRAP!!! PLUS I felt that same gassy like pain on my RIGHT side this time, only it wasn't as painful as last time. Probably because last cycle the doc thinks I ruptured a cyst. But it wasn't "twingey" as much as it was that same gassy pain. So at lunch I went home and convinced hubbs to BD (tee, hee.) Then went back to work. The rest of the day I was very squishy...lol then I went home and took an OPK which was POSITIVE!

But honestly, I don't think we BD'd enough. I mean, the MOST important thing is that we did it the LAST day of EWCM, and we def. did. The next day I was dry as a bone again. Then two days before that was just "fun" - no butt propping or PreSeed. Anyway, we are getting into TMI.

I swear that working out makes you O. I have been horrible about working out...but last cycle I O'd the DAY after I went to a Yoga class after two weeks of no activity. Then the same thing this cycle - after like two weeks of being sedentary I finally went to the gym and the next day I O'd.....

So...here we go! I'm still going to be trying to lose weight, but not like...marathon running or anything at least until AF arrives. I don't think it will happen this cycle...

PAUSE! (We're halfway there!)

I know this is really soon to be "pausing" our babymaking considering we've only been at this officially for two months (and unofficially for three years), but I have good reason and let me explain why.

I am a hypocrite. I see all these overweight women with PCOS, and I think I know what they are going through. They WANT to diet, and TRY to diet....but it just doesn't work. I've been there, and I AM there. I say "Oh, I eat right and exercise." To a point. The fact is, if we all (meaning fat people with PCOS) just shut up, ate vegetables, chicken, fish, low sugar fruits, and ACTUALLY got 30 minutes or more of cardio per day (and did this all for more than one week) we would lose weight. While I'd love to think so, there's no magical "gene" that prevents weight loss with actual EFFORT, will, and determination. Many are genetically predispositioned to be larger (or to crave cookies and fries more often), and yes it IS more difficult to lose weight. But the fact is, if we actually worked our absolute hardest, we could lose the weight. It's mathmatical and scientific and all that crap...it's the emotional part that "gets us." I sometimes like to think that I "can't lose weight no matter how hard I try." But really, we try and give up or "fall off the wagon" - and through little failures like KFC and the couch - manage to keep our weight on. On one week, off one week, on one week, and it goes on. All this emotional turmoil of TTC could easily be solved (for me at least) with one simple solution. LOSE MORE WEIGHT.

I think people who are Trying to Conceive don't place enough emphasis on nutrition and weight. I am reading this book right now called "Making Babies" and it's REALLY a good book. Almost as good as Taking Charge of Your Fertility. But it has a lot of great information on foods that help fertility and has a three month plan on preparing yourself for optimum conception.

All this sort of culminated last night when my husband and I were at the peak of frustration. Him, being a man, didn't really understand the work and effort it takes to chart, and check your CM, and be worried all the time about what your OPK's mean, etc... So of course he said the most insensitive thing in the world - "Well, it's not like you're really TRYING anymore. You're just eating whatever you want which is the problem with your ovaries in the first place." Or something to that effect. Once I got over the initial shock, sadness, anger...I realized...my Gawd. He's RIGHT. Then I proceeded to hate myself until I fell asleep.

While husbands can be dense and uncouth, they can make good points. Especially ones like my husband who WOULD tell me I look fat in a dress if I asked. But the point is, the most common reason for PCOS is being overweight (sorry to you thin cysters...so unfair) and therefore the most simple solution would be weight loss. Well, I DID lose weight. Just not enough. So instead of focusing on my piddly weight loss, I need to focus on the fact that - my gawd - my BMI still says that I'm "obese."

So here's the deal. I am going to lose 27lbs. Right now I am part of an AWESOME 25lbs cyster challenge which is actually PERFECT. But not quiiiite enough. Why?....

I am currently 190lbs. (Give or take...on a bad day.) If I lose 27lbs, I will be in a whole other class of BMI!! Instead of being in the "obese" category, I will be in the "overweight" category at 163lbs! I could go ahead and do the extra "3" pounds but the moment I get to 165 I will probably celebrate early. So let's just go with 163.

I have no idea how long it will take me to lose that amount of weight. It could be one month, it could be five months. It could be even longer, but we won't talk about that. I have lost 25lbs in one month before, but I've also gained 40lbs in three months. I am just going to lose as much weight as I possibly can, as fast as I possibly can. (In a healthy way!) I did it once, now I just need to keep going!

When I am 163 we will address the issue of getting to the "healthy weight" BMI range. Which would mean ANOTHER 27lbs.

54lbs to a healthy weight? Strange, I am down exactly 54lbs from my fattest weight ever. Halfway there!