Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Before we all freak out and say "OMG you're adopting?!!!" - just relax. Like I said, we are taking a little break before trying again. But...

Since Brad's heart attack we've been thinking about many things. Probably more on my mind than his is our health, and genetics, and what we will be passing on to our children. First, let me get this out of the way and say that if every couple had to consider family history and genes before they started trying to have children - no one would ever have children. Nearly everyone has a family history of something, or a condition that can be passed on to a child. Trying to have a child regardless of these is not selfish in the least in my opinion.

So we (meaning I) kept thinking... Brad had an basically inexplicable heart attack (two of them actually) at 28 years old. As a child he had many problems with his growth, a misshapen pituitary, countless corrective surgeries on his legs, and other things I probably don't know about. His mother has diabetes and literally probably 4-5 other diseases or conditions I don't even know the name of. But she is basically bedridden and being cared for by Brad's father. All these things may or may not pass down to our future children. I am also not without problems...my mother has Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis and in inoperable brain tumor. As of right now, I don't think I have any of these! But I still may be a genetic carrier for any of them.

Anyway, this has lead me to consider the almost unthinkable for me. Adoption is truly a blessing for MANY people...birthmothers and adoptive parents alike. But the thought of not ever being pregnant, having cravings and midnight pickle runs, not feeling the little kicks inside me, feeling that bond, breastfeeding, having a child with someone else's nose, eyes, hair, entire genetic makeup...honestly feels like the end of the world for me.

I sort of thought about it more, and remembered what it was like when I was younger. I was very naive and even sitting on a toilet after a boy sat on it would put me into a frenzy..."Please God don't let me be pregnant..." Because that, for me, would also have been the end of the world.

Life obviously throws us all curveballs, some more than others. Birthmothers and adoptive parents are like little missing puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. Perfect solutions to one another's needs.

As I read more and more birthmother stories, and stories from adoptive parents...I'm becoming more and more aware of what I'm really in this for. I try to stop the feeling of sadness I get for the adoptive parents...Are they infertile, too? Why do they 'have' to adopt? Or for the birthmother.... Why did that teenager have to have sex? Why didn't they use protection? Why did they have relations out of wedlock? I swallow the lump in my throat and my judgement and look at the baby I realize it's all for them. It's not about the parents, it's not about the birthmother. It's about the child, who is a human, and will grow up and be an adult. What will that adult say about his or her life? "Dang I wish I had been raised by my 20 year old mom who didn't get a chance to go to college because of me?"

As the website clearly conveys, It's About Love. Not about me, or my want to be pregnant. Not about just wanting my baby to look like me or act or talk like me and my husband. It's about more than that. While I still wish more than anything to be pregnant one day - I am willing to sacrifice my own wants for that of my child. And I think that's probably a good step towards motherhood, eh? There are many more facets of adoption to consider like open or closed, and what age to adopt, etc... But for now, I'm just trying to grow up a little and realize that not everything is perfect, and some things are just meant to be.


  1. It's really great that you are thinking these things through. I recommend seeing a genetic counselor -- that person may be able to allay your fears a bit about what you might be passing along, or give you more concrete food for thought.

    I absolutely adore www.weebleswobblog.com. She has two kids through open adoption. That's not the only thing she blogs about, by far, but it's really interesting when she does. I recommend adding her to your blog roll. :)

  2. Adoption is a great choice! I've even looked online at some agencies to better understand their requirements, policies, and how long it would take. My dad was adopted and never had a desire to know his birth parents because he already had parents. This was before open adoption though.

    There are some great resources and blogs out there to help you in your decision. Your child is still your child whether they were born from your body or from your love.


  3. I have 2 cousins (one on each side) and my husband has 2 or 3 cousins that has adopted and NONE of them would change a thing. It took me almost 9 years to figure out what you've just posted about. Our profile for adoption has been completed for 1 1/2 yrs. Now we are just waiting for birthparents to pick us. I won't say that I don't desire more than anything to feel baby kicking, strange cravings and all that, but then it is about the child and just being able to enjoy the blessings and trials that come with parenthood. If my babies have to come by way of a different shoot cause mine's broken...that's okay, they are still mine to care for. But at the same time I'm not going to quit TTC, not until I'm 40 or 50. lol. It's a hard decision, I wish you the very best. :)

  4. Wow. Just.. Wow. You are so amazing. Such an inspiration yourself.

  5. Hey April, I know you are on a break from TTC but I thought I would share some info with you. Almost a year ago I found some stuff that has worked amazingly for me it's called d-chiro-inositol. It has done wonders for my PCOS. You might want to check it out.
    Another thing, God did say to "multiply and replenish the Earth" Even if some of these genetic things do pass down...it will be okay. I mean your hubby has problems and you are happy you have him. How sad would it be if your in-laws had decided to not have children for fear of problems. Everyone has problems, whether they are physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental. That's how we learn and grow. And in the end it doesn't matter because if we do all we can, the Lord will make up the difference.
    I don't know if adoption is for you, but we both know where you can get the answer. Good luck girl!

  6. I have PCOS and after years and seeing several doctors my husband and I chose to move forward with adoption (in fact, I had always imagined adopting anyway).

    I can tell you that bonding with a child whether brought into your life biologically (as I am told by many women) or by adoption can take time - but there is instant love no matter.

    And, it is amazing how truly similar we humans are - our son, is african american yet - we find similarities between our fair skin selves and him all the time. He and my husband have similar nose shape. He has big cheeks like me (and his birth mother).

    And, he has developed the same wrinkle on the bridge of his nose as my husband. I could go on, but the most cute to me is that he has developed MY SMILE. Babies mimic what they see.

    SO yes, he doesn't share our race or our genetics but ... when you talk about about YOUR childhood do you say .... man, I'm glad I have my moms eye color? You probably, are more likely to talk about the values, traditions, mannerisms and general life events. Those things are what we truly pass on to our children and that they pass onto their kids - that matters.

    Anyway - I'm not saying that you should stop with your plan and adopt. But I will say, adoption is such a beautiful and unique experience just as much so as child birth. I'd always be happy to talk with you about our journey, I'm heavily researched and involved in the adoption community.


Thanks so much for your support!