Wednesday, October 28, 2009
My hair is still falling out. I pulled huge gobs of it out of the drain this morning. I don't know where it's all coming from because I didn't have much in the first place. Sadly, this is a rare side effect from the Clomid. Before we left for the weekend I took a pregnancy test. I held it up to the light, let it sit for a few hours, shook it around, turned it upside down, and not even a faint line. It was still 3 days until my period was due...but I took one of those tests that says "99.99% Accurate!"....so I had to repeat that statistic to myself over and over again until Aunt Flo actually arrived. And of course I could time her arrival down to the hour. Once again, 7:30pm, 13 days past ovulation. I will say knowing the exact hour she arrives is very convenient. Albiet unwelcome.
My strange spike in temperatures is probably due to the progesterone cream. Evil cream. My boobs hurt WORSE this cycle than any other. And I also had lots of weird feelings downstairs during my LP. So I thought that may have been a good sign...but I guess not. I think maybe ovulating so late (CD 28) doesn't have as good of a chance of concieving as a normal 14-19 day O might. Was my lining crappy?? Meh...who knows!
Anyway, I suppose it's a blessing in disguise. Medical bills are going to pile up soon with hubby's heart attack. I'm only almost 25 years old, so I'm not in a huge rush anymore now that I'm starting to realize I have FIVE full years until I'm 30. Technically I could probably lose a good 60lbs in a year and be only 27 when I conceive. Gah...anyway....here's looking towards a future of health and wealth before baby!
Friday, October 23, 2009
So 7DPO (heart attack day) rolls around and I'm 99.99% sure it's not gonna happen this month. Then 8DPO...pretty much the same...then 9DPO...and my temp is creeping up. Then TODAY....what the heck? Doesn't that chart just scream "YOU'RE PREGNANT!"?????
Well, I wish that were the case...but all during the 2WW I have been using progesterone cream. Which can, and does cause falsely high temperatures. I'm honestly not sure why my temp would dip a teeny bit then spike again - but I'm really not attributing it to being pregnant. Yet. I didn't have ANY implantation spotting. The only differences I've had this cycle have been that "bubbly"/wet feeling in my vagina. And starting yesterday and continuing today my cervix is sorta of sore and "tight" feeling...I dunno. Maybe I'm just constipated. Or crazy.
I found this awesome feature last month that allows me to OVERLAY all my charts on top of eachother so I can see where I am this cycle, what the similarities are, etc... So I did so - PLUS I included and "average" line of all my cycles so far.
The blue line is average, and the gold line is this month. So as you can see, 7DPO it dipped below average, and today is the highest it has ever been. And in fact, today's temp was .1 degree higher on the first try, but I decided to take the lesser temp just in case.
Isn't that SO crazy that my temp was the EXACT same EVERY ovulation day? I pinned all the charts at ovulation, so my O days were different. But they still had the same temp every time. Weird weird!!!
I can't wait till this 2ww is OVER! I want to be preggo, or AF to just GET here already. Grr. But like I said - I'm just glad hubby is alive and well. And I'm trying not to obsess too much. If I know myself, when I DO get pregnant the test probably won't be positive until freaking 20DPO.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
As you can imagine, there are a thousand thoughts running through my head. And by my last post I've deduced that I'd rather pour my emotions out here, than on my regular blog.
I think it takes awhile for things to sink in for me. At first everything was fine. Then I became a little more emotional. Now it seems I can't do anything unless I'm sitting right next to him listening to him breath. Watching the heart monitor. Making sure everything is okay. Which I am, right now.
I guess I just wanted to share everything I'm thinking. With babymaking and all this it seems like I have my priorities messed up. Maybe health should come first, THEN baby....but I thought we were on the right track. The doctors don't really know why he had a clot - his cholesterol was low, he lost 150lbs...it's sort of random and strange. But it got me thinking about all my prayers lately. Wishing for a baby so bad. So to have a baby will I have to give up my husband? Most people love their children more than their husband...but I would rather have my husband than be pregnant. Is this going to be some cruel thing where he dies and I'm pregnant? I told God that was a cool and dramatic idea and all...but I just want my hubby. Will he live and I never get pregnant? Will he die and I not get pregnant? Or have a miscarriage? There's some dramatically romantic story in there somewhere...
I know that I can't escape death. I have so far...the only real thing close to me dying being pets. And my great grandma who I met once. And a friend in high school. Everyone dies. We have to. And everyone has someone like me, who cares about them and would be devastated if they lost them. So why am I special? I kept thinking I'm not strong enough to go through this. AT ALL. I'm not that person who gets stronger or better for losing someone. But it doesn't matter. People lose their children, people lose their whole families. And it's not fair. So why am I any different? There's nothing keeping Brad from dying and keeping me from being a widow and keeping me from having this huge horrible story to tell the rest of my long long life. I'm only 24 years old!
Infertility really seems like a joke at this point. I feel blessed and NOT blessed at the same time. Blessed that he's okay, and the outlook is good, and prayers are on our side. Blessed that 23456 people have asked me if I need anything, but I refuse to say I do. Blessed that I have mental clarity, that I have a job, that I graduated college, that I am married, that my husband is hot, that I have family, that I have talents, that no one has died close to me like they have for other people.... And we'll leave it at the blessings and ignore all the things that others have and I don't. Because that's just life. And I am officially rambling.
In other news, my temperature spiked at 9 DPO today. Good sign? Who knows? Maybe I have swine flu.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Science: I'm big into science. I'm not a "if it will happen it will happen" kind of person. I completely believe that it will happen if I make it happen. That's how God works. He won't zap me thin or pregnant or pretty - I have to do it myself. But that's how the hand of God works - he doesn't help us unless we help ourselves. However, I continually wonder about my hormone levels, what my ovaries are doing, I want to know the exact second the egg pops out, I want to know exactly how many sperm survive, I want to know if the sperm and egg actually even MEET and if not - why not. There are so many things that could prevent even the healthiest couple from getting pregnant aside from PCOS or bad sperm...even if you ovulate, and even if the sperm are perfect there's always sperm antibodies, lack of intra-uterine fluid conducive to sperm motility, insufficient uterine lining, and more.
I over analyze my own symptoms - sore breasts mean my estrogen levels are high, but are they TOO high? Don't high estrogen levels mean I have a cyst? If I use progesterone cream will it REALLY cause cancer (only if I live in California of course) like it says on the package? Will it mess up my temperature chart since progesterone causes the temp to rise? Does my temperature have to dip for implantation? Was that twinge implantation? If not, what the heck was it? What about THAT cramp? What does that mean? Will my hair grow back? Why am I crying? Is that a good sign? Why have a gained 6lbs?
And this is the part where all the inexplicable things turn to religion.
Religion: Who really gets what they want in life? People who go to church? People who do the right thing? "Good" people? There are incredibly "good" people that don't get what they want, and have painful struggles, and there are incredibly "good" people that get their perfect lives handed to them. Doing the right thing and being a good person and doing what you're supposed to do doesn't always get you what you want. Doing bad things and disobeying and doing wrong sometimes results in getting exactly what you want. There is no rhyme. There is no reason. Equal numbers of good and bad people get what they want and go through horrible circumstances.
(In case you were wondering, we're talking about getting pregnant here...)
Why can some horrendously fat women get pregnant, and the healthy thin people can't? What about the crack whore? Why can crack whores seem to get pregnant so easily? Or rich people...why can't rich people get pregnant? Shouldn't karma/God/whatever you believe in - if it's truly "real" - make it so the world is right, and good, healthy people get what they want, and bad unhealthy people don't? Wouldn't that be an incentive for bad unhealthy people to be good and healthy? Or is that God's plan? Does He want us to do the right things simply because He said so? He loves us no matter what we do or don't do. But I really find that hard to believe sometimes. Why should he love me as much as the perfectly healthy, thin, obedient girl down the road whose past indiscretions are much less than my own? Why should he love the other unhealthy girl down the road who steals, lies, commits adultery, beats her children...as much as me - who doesn't do all that stuff???
Since I've put getting pregnant on a pedestal, and have made it the "best thing that would ever happen to me in my life" - does that mean I need to truly try and be perfect in order to get it? The crack whore generally isn't "happy" when she finds out that she's pregnant, so is that her punishment?
Then again, as someone who is LDS, I have been taught that drinking coffee, tea, and alcohol isn't something I should do even in moderation - it's something I shouldn't do AT ALL. So if a comparable person to myself who IS NOT LDS has a drink or two every now and then, and I do as well - that would make me worse off because I've chosen to believe in something and have deliberately disobeyed, whereas the non-LDS person was never told NOT to do that. So does that make them better off in the eyes of God since they were ignorant (meaning "didn't know", not "stupid") of the gospel?
Sometimes I just don't get it. I think that's the point. I think everything is completely random, there's no mathematical equation or perfect way to be or act or do... This is normally the part where I say "So I am going to STOP over analyzing everything" - but we all know I won't. Not until AF shows her ugly face on Sunday night at 7:30, and comes full force by Monday morning of course.
Friday, October 16, 2009
At only 3 and 4 DPO and here's what I'm feeling
- Mild cramping/backacheyness
- Some sharpish cramps lasting just minutes.
- Sore BBS
- Heart beating pretty hard...
ALL of which I had back in May during a random ovulation. And ALL but the cramps are normal for my Leuteal Phase. I know that cramping is a "sign" of early pregnancy - but at 3 and 4 DPO? No way. So I don't think this is my month. But I also have mild watery discharge and (GROSS: WARNING) it feels like bubbles are coming out of my vajayjay!!!
Also, my temperature chart is pretty much the same every month! This is so strange! I have a spike, then another spike at 3DPO, then a fall at 4DPO. Then I go back up!!! Weird huh?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Since this time I took 100mgs of Clomid, around CD 12 I started doing OPK's. I thought I might get lucky and O around CD 14 like "normal" people do. Well, many of my OPK's were light, some a little darker, but NOT positive in the least. So around CD 20 I was getting SUPER sad that I wasn't going to O. I was paying attention to every little twinge and all my CM (or lack thereof) and figured "Hey, I might be ovulating but my CM and OPK's just aren't telling me that I am!!"
Well, I should have known. Saturday the EWCM started, so I took the test and DANG - the darkest line I've ever had!! Even in my previous cycles, my OPK would only be about as dark (or even a little lighter) than the control line...but I still O'd. I must have popped out one ginorm egg, or a few, because geez! I took another OPK Sunday, and again on Monday, and they were all way positive.
On Sunday I had the MOST ovulation pain though - again on leftie. There was even pain during sex again, like on my first cycle where the doc thinks I ruptured a cyst. Hopefully that's not the case.
My temp spiked a little today, so I think it's just going to go up from here.
Luckily, hubbs and I have BD'd every day with Pre-Seed...and of course I did the "lay there and wait" thing.
Here's hoping!! C'mon BABY!!! Pray pray pray!
Monday, October 5, 2009
I wanted to share a few of my thoughts on some things that were said. Though I've already deleted the comment, and I won't address everything...it had me pretty upset. Mostly because it was someone I probably knew well, or who knew me very well (or watches my other blog like a hawk?) and still stayed anonymous when they could have just told me who they were and civilly stated that they were annoyed with my joke. I would have apologized and been nice about it at that point...
Anyway. One of my annoyances was a statment about how I shouldn't be TTC because "I can't even afford 1 tire for my car." Aside from the fact that it was an inaccurate statement - and aside from the fact that Brad and I are doing great financially - I really don't think financial security corrolates with trying to have a baby. That may seem a little stupid, but for me - having a family is a religious choice. I am LDS, and we have a strong belief in growing families and having children. The family is the center of everything we stand for. And I don't think it's necessary to be completely debt free and have savings in order to have a child. I also don't think it's appropriate to PLAN for a child if you have no means of supporting it (i.e. if you PLAN on getting WIC, or something.) If being financially secure was the only way to have children, no one would ever have a family because who is REALLY financially secure these days? You don't have to be "rich" to have children - and the happiest families I know get by day to day working as hard as they can and living frugally. Brad and I will have a very comfortable future, so I'm not worried. But I really don't believe in waiting until you are "rich" to try and have a family.
The other thing that bothered me was a statement about how I don't appreciate my job, and how I screw around at work all the time. I just had to laugh. Who hasn't read a blog or Facebooked at their desk job? I get two 15 minute breaks per day that I never take - so add it up and that's probably how much time I spend "screwing around" - if that. But honestly, the only reason I keep my position is for the experience and the insurance. The pay is embarassing, especially for someone with two college degrees. If I could work FULL time on blog designs I'd make twice as much!
Lastly...I'm a little freaked out about how much this person remembered about me and my blog posts. I guess I sort of assume that people skim through my blog once a week, rather than read every detail. She remembered more than I did about my own life!!! But she did bring up a good point - what if someone Google's me? I should be a little more careful about what I say!
If the signature saying "Loyally in EP" rings true - I'm sad that I probably know who it is :( Oh well.
Friday, October 2, 2009
You can always adopt!
Gee, you think? That'll make me feel better about my uterus being completely barren. Basically you're saying "there's no hope..."
I'll be your surrogate!
Or you could just slap me in the face and scream "I know I'm fertile and you're NOT! HAHA!"
Don't worry, it will happen when you stop trying.
Just because it happened to YOU by accident, doesn't mean it will for me.
Just relax! Don't stress or it won't happen!
Okay, so all the stressed out people of the world are just practicing good birth control?
Have you tried In-Vitro Fertilization?
Well, I was looking for a way to spend that extra $10,000 I had laying around. Thanks for the idea! This is yet another last ditch effort, before adoption.
Just enjoy the time you have with each other now!
I've been "enjoying" our time together for 6 years. I'm ready to mix it up a little.
At least you can go on vacations, to the movies, etc... without a babysitter!
Sure - I'd love to leave a legacy of movie watching and vacations behind after I die.
Oh just wait, you'll be in labor/wiping poopy butts and think twice about wanting a baby!
No way! Dangit...I thought babies were all sunshine and kisses. I guess all my fertility treatments were for nothing because I don't want to have to change a diaper or go into labor. Ugh. I had NO clue that I was in store for that sort of responsibility and pain. Thanks for warning me.
Have you tried (insert random Chinese herbal remedy/Kama Sutra position here)?
No. I did not try the Downward Facing Dog while having sex and drinking tea infused with cloves and raspberries and rubbing EVOO over my body while massaging my uterus and humming. I know everyone else on the planet probably has to do that in order to get pregnant, but I'll pass.
And one of the worst things people do is NOT telling you when someone is pregnant, or someone is having a baby shower because they think you'll turn into Godzilla. I might THINK about breathing fire into their fertile faces, but I still want an excuse to talk, think, and shop everything BABY!