So if you've been reading my personal blog, you know that Monday my husband had a heart attack. Not my rich 90 year old husband that I am a trophy wife to - my REAL one...who's only 28 years old.
As you can imagine, there are a thousand thoughts running through my head. And by my last post I've deduced that I'd rather pour my emotions out here, than on my regular blog.
I think it takes awhile for things to sink in for me. At first everything was fine. Then I became a little more emotional. Now it seems I can't do anything unless I'm sitting right next to him listening to him breath. Watching the heart monitor. Making sure everything is okay. Which I am, right now.
I guess I just wanted to share everything I'm thinking. With babymaking and all this it seems like I have my priorities messed up. Maybe health should come first, THEN baby....but I thought we were on the right track. The doctors don't really know why he had a clot - his cholesterol was low, he lost 150lbs...it's sort of random and strange. But it got me thinking about all my prayers lately. Wishing for a baby so bad. So to have a baby will I have to give up my husband? Most people love their children more than their husband...but I would rather have my husband than be pregnant. Is this going to be some cruel thing where he dies and I'm pregnant? I told God that was a cool and dramatic idea and all...but I just want my hubby. Will he live and I never get pregnant? Will he die and I not get pregnant? Or have a miscarriage? There's some dramatically romantic story in there somewhere...
I know that I can't escape death. I have so far...the only real thing close to me dying being pets. And my great grandma who I met once. And a friend in high school. Everyone dies. We have to. And everyone has someone like me, who cares about them and would be devastated if they lost them. So why am I special? I kept thinking I'm not strong enough to go through this. AT ALL. I'm not that person who gets stronger or better for losing someone. But it doesn't matter. People lose their children, people lose their whole families. And it's not fair. So why am I any different? There's nothing keeping Brad from dying and keeping me from being a widow and keeping me from having this huge horrible story to tell the rest of my long long life. I'm only 24 years old!
Infertility really seems like a joke at this point. I feel blessed and NOT blessed at the same time. Blessed that he's okay, and the outlook is good, and prayers are on our side. Blessed that 23456 people have asked me if I need anything, but I refuse to say I do. Blessed that I have mental clarity, that I have a job, that I graduated college, that I am married, that my husband is hot, that I have family, that I have talents, that no one has died close to me like they have for other people.... And we'll leave it at the blessings and ignore all the things that others have and I don't. Because that's just life. And I am officially rambling.
In other news, my temperature spiked at 9 DPO today. Good sign? Who knows? Maybe I have swine flu.
Oh April, I am so sorry you are going through this!! Please keep us posted.
ReplyDeleteI keep typing things and then deleting them. I just don't know what to say. There is so much to say and yet so little. I am sure you have heard it all already anyway. Know that I am here. Even though I am far away. I am here.
I still have a hard time believing your husband had a heart attack, and I don't even know you guys! I really hope it was just a one-time fluke, that you don't have anything this scary to deal with so early in your lives. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you.
ReplyDeleteEspecially now that I am pregnant with twins, I constantly worry that my husband will die. He has high cholesterol, although he is on meds for it. He travels a lot for work, I worry about his plane crashing. Not just because I don't want to be a single mom, but because I love him to pieces. I do adore our son with every fiber of my being, but I still love my DH just as much. It's a different kind of love. He is my best friend, my partner. And hopefully he will be, forever.
Good luck April.
I'm with Mama Cass, I have a lot in my heart for you but nothing in verbal format that expresses it appropriately. So, I'm going to go sit next to Cass and be here. For whatever. At anytime.
ReplyDeleteI haven't been doing such a great job keeping up with your personal blog because I find I just keep checking in on this one to listen for any new fertility news...
ReplyDeleteSo when I read the first line on here I almost fell off my chair. I'm so beyond heartbroken for what you're going through right now but lines like "So to have a baby will I have to give up my husband?" bring tears to my eyes. That's totally not the way things work, especially for good people like you so don't even think it.
Even though those of us out here in blogland can't physically be there for you, you know that we're thinking of you and wishing you the very best. Feel free to write a rambling email anytime if you don't feel like putting it in a post... even if my replies are stupid (as you know they usually are). Big hug!