Monday, October 19, 2009

Over Analyzing

I think it's possible to think yourself to death. No matter how level-headed I THINK I am, I have come to the point of craziness as I over analyze every possible thing about TTC. Here it is - I am 7DPO, and I feel like I'm 95% certain I am not pregnant. My boobs hurt so bad they throb as I sit here. I have some mild cramps and funky twinges - but nothing I would notice any other cycle. No implantation dip. No abundant creamy CM. Pretty emotional, which means estrogen is high, which is a BAD thing for people with I said I am over analyzing big time. Which brings me to my long and tiring thought processes....

Science: I'm big into science. I'm not a "if it will happen it will happen" kind of person. I completely believe that it will happen if I make it happen. That's how God works. He won't zap me thin or pregnant or pretty - I have to do it myself. But that's how the hand of God works - he doesn't help us unless we help ourselves. However, I continually wonder about my hormone levels, what my ovaries are doing, I want to know the exact second the egg pops out, I want to know exactly how many sperm survive, I want to know if the sperm and egg actually even MEET and if not - why not. There are so many things that could prevent even the healthiest couple from getting pregnant aside from PCOS or bad sperm...even if you ovulate, and even if the sperm are perfect there's always sperm antibodies, lack of intra-uterine fluid conducive to sperm motility, insufficient uterine lining, and more.

I over analyze my own symptoms - sore breasts mean my estrogen levels are high, but are they TOO high? Don't high estrogen levels mean I have a cyst? If I use progesterone cream will it REALLY cause cancer (only if I live in California of course) like it says on the package? Will it mess up my temperature chart since progesterone causes the temp to rise? Does my temperature have to dip for implantation? Was that twinge implantation? If not, what the heck was it? What about THAT cramp? What does that mean? Will my hair grow back? Why am I crying? Is that a good sign? Why have a gained 6lbs?

And this is the part where all the inexplicable things turn to religion.

Religion: Who really gets what they want in life? People who go to church? People who do the right thing? "Good" people? There are incredibly "good" people that don't get what they want, and have painful struggles, and there are incredibly "good" people that get their perfect lives handed to them. Doing the right thing and being a good person and doing what you're supposed to do doesn't always get you what you want. Doing bad things and disobeying and doing wrong sometimes results in getting exactly what you want. There is no rhyme. There is no reason. Equal numbers of good and bad people get what they want and go through horrible circumstances.

(In case you were wondering, we're talking about getting pregnant here...)

Why can some horrendously fat women get pregnant, and the healthy thin people can't? What about the crack whore? Why can crack whores seem to get pregnant so easily? Or rich people...why can't rich people get pregnant? Shouldn't karma/God/whatever you believe in - if it's truly "real" - make it so the world is right, and good, healthy people get what they want, and bad unhealthy people don't? Wouldn't that be an incentive for bad unhealthy people to be good and healthy? Or is that God's plan? Does He want us to do the right things simply because He said so? He loves us no matter what we do or don't do. But I really find that hard to believe sometimes. Why should he love me as much as the perfectly healthy, thin, obedient girl down the road whose past indiscretions are much less than my own? Why should he love the other unhealthy girl down the road who steals, lies, commits adultery, beats her much as me - who doesn't do all that stuff???

Since I've put getting pregnant on a pedestal, and have made it the "best thing that would ever happen to me in my life" - does that mean I need to truly try and be perfect in order to get it? The crack whore generally isn't "happy" when she finds out that she's pregnant, so is that her punishment?

Then again, as someone who is LDS, I have been taught that drinking coffee, tea, and alcohol isn't something I should do even in moderation - it's something I shouldn't do AT ALL. So if a comparable person to myself who IS NOT LDS has a drink or two every now and then, and I do as well - that would make me worse off because I've chosen to believe in something and have deliberately disobeyed, whereas the non-LDS person was never told NOT to do that. So does that make them better off in the eyes of God since they were ignorant (meaning "didn't know", not "stupid") of the gospel?

Sometimes I just don't get it. I think that's the point. I think everything is completely random, there's no mathematical equation or perfect way to be or act or do... This is normally the part where I say "So I am going to STOP over analyzing everything" - but we all know I won't. Not until AF shows her ugly face on Sunday night at 7:30, and comes full force by Monday morning of course.


  1. You certainly have a can of worms open on your heart and mind there love!

    I don't think you are necessarily looking for someone to come in here and analyze your analyzation. Though you've prompted some real thought process in myself after reading your post. I can save it for another day and time.

    I think the right thing to do here, and what I feel in my heart for you, is to genuinely say I have read your words and I understand everything you've said. I honestly do. It all makes sense, what you're feeling, what you're thinking. And I'm proud of you for opening yourself up TO YOURSELF. I am sending you huge, gigantic, heart felt hugs of compassion and patient friendship.

    I also send you loving wishes that you will find some answer that you are seeking. And if they aren't readily available? Peace of heart and mind to live with a degree of unknowing.

    If you aren't pregnant this time, and I hope you are, I'll be here to sit quietly by while you figure out your response to that. If you want me to be funny? I can do that. If you want loving advice? I can do that too. Or if you just want to go to TJMaxx and rifle the racks in quiet as I follow along next to you, I can do that too.

  2. Awww :(

    For the record, my boobs hurt SOOO bad every time I am pregnant, like from day 1... and when I was pg with my son, I had TERRIBLE cramping and they said it was all normal and he was totally healthy and normal! :)

  3. just stopping by.I was obsessed with my last pregnancy and my boobs hurt all the time too


Thanks so much for your support!