Adoption

Before we all freak out and say "OMG you're adopting?!!!" - just relax. Like I said, we are taking a little break before trying again. But...

Since Brad's heart attack we've been thinking about many things. Probably more on my mind than his is our health, and genetics, and what we will be passing on to our children. First, let me get this out of the way and say that if every couple had to consider family history and genes before they started trying to have children - no one would ever have children. Nearly everyone has a family history of something, or a condition that can be passed on to a child. Trying to have a child regardless of these is not selfish in the least in my opinion.

So we (meaning I) kept thinking... Brad had an basically inexplicable heart attack (two of them actually) at 28 years old. As a child he had many problems with his growth, a misshapen pituitary, countless corrective surgeries on his legs, and other things I probably don't know about. His mother has diabetes and literally probably 4-5 other diseases or conditions I don't even know the name of. But she is basically bedridden and being cared for by Brad's father. All these things may or may not pass down to our future children. I am also not without problems...my mother has Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis and in inoperable brain tumor. As of right now, I don't think I have any of these! But I still may be a genetic carrier for any of them.

Anyway, this has lead me to consider the almost unthinkable for me. Adoption is truly a blessing for MANY people...birthmothers and adoptive parents alike. But the thought of not ever being pregnant, having cravings and midnight pickle runs, not feeling the little kicks inside me, feeling that bond, breastfeeding, having a child with someone else's nose, eyes, hair, entire genetic makeup...honestly feels like the end of the world for me.

I sort of thought about it more, and remembered what it was like when I was younger. I was very naive and even sitting on a toilet after a boy sat on it would put me into a frenzy..."Please God don't let me be pregnant..." Because that, for me, would also have been the end of the world.

Life obviously throws us all curveballs, some more than others. Birthmothers and adoptive parents are like little missing puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly. Perfect solutions to one another's needs.

As I read more and more birthmother stories, and stories from adoptive parents...I'm becoming more and more aware of what I'm really in this for. I try to stop the feeling of sadness I get for the adoptive parents...Are they infertile, too? Why do they 'have' to adopt? Or for the birthmother.... Why did that teenager have to have sex? Why didn't they use protection? Why did they have relations out of wedlock? I swallow the lump in my throat and my judgement and look at the baby I realize it's all for them. It's not about the parents, it's not about the birthmother. It's about the child, who is a human, and will grow up and be an adult. What will that adult say about his or her life? "Dang I wish I had been raised by my 20 year old mom who didn't get a chance to go to college because of me?"

As the website clearly conveys, It's About Love. Not about me, or my want to be pregnant. Not about just wanting my baby to look like me or act or talk like me and my husband. It's about more than that. While I still wish more than anything to be pregnant one day - I am willing to sacrifice my own wants for that of my child. And I think that's probably a good step towards motherhood, eh? There are many more facets of adoption to consider like open or closed, and what age to adopt, etc... But for now, I'm just trying to grow up a little and realize that not everything is perfect, and some things are just meant to be.

Here's Looking to the Future

Well, as you may have guessed by my lack of post...I got a BFN this cycle too. That's three rounds of Clomid, ovulating every time, and no BFP's. So I'm thinking my body just isn't ready, or hubby's sperm analysis isn't looking too hot. Either way, we have decided to wait to continue TTC for awhile. He needs to get healthy after his heart attack, I want to lose 30lbs and be safely in the "overweight" category rather than the "obese" category. Gawd that sounds horrible. I will still be updating this blog with all the gory details on my cycles, my weight loss, any meds I'm taking etc... That way if I DO get pregnant my journey can be of some help to others.

My hair is still falling out. I pulled huge gobs of it out of the drain this morning. I don't know where it's all coming from because I didn't have much in the first place. Sadly, this is a rare side effect from the Clomid. Before we left for the weekend I took a pregnancy test. I held it up to the light, let it sit for a few hours, shook it around, turned it upside down, and not even a faint line. It was still 3 days until my period was due...but I took one of those tests that says "99.99% Accurate!"....so I had to repeat that statistic to myself over and over again until Aunt Flo actually arrived. And of course I could time her arrival down to the hour. Once again, 7:30pm, 13 days past ovulation. I will say knowing the exact hour she arrives is very convenient. Albiet unwelcome.

My strange spike in temperatures is probably due to the progesterone cream. Evil cream. My boobs hurt WORSE this cycle than any other. And I also had lots of weird feelings downstairs during my LP. So I thought that may have been a good sign...but I guess not. I think maybe ovulating so late (CD 28) doesn't have as good of a chance of concieving as a normal 14-19 day O might. Was my lining crappy?? Meh...who knows!

Anyway, I suppose it's a blessing in disguise. Medical bills are going to pile up soon with hubby's heart attack. I'm only almost 25 years old, so I'm not in a huge rush anymore now that I'm starting to realize I have FIVE full years until I'm 30. Technically I could probably lose a good 60lbs in a year and be only 27 when I conceive. Gah...anyway....here's looking towards a future of health and wealth before baby!

Boo! I Hate the 2ww!!!

Well, first of all let me say that my husband having a heart attack this week was no icing on the cake. Thankfully, he's okay and should get out of the hospital today (you can read my other blog for more details). But SHEESH! Talk about a 2ww from H-E-double hockey sticks.

So 7DPO (heart attack day) rolls around and I'm 99.99% sure it's not gonna happen this month. Then 8DPO...pretty much the same...then 9DPO...and my temp is creeping up. Then TODAY....what the heck? Doesn't that chart just scream "YOU'RE PREGNANT!"?????

Well, I wish that were the case...but all during the 2WW I have been using progesterone cream. Which can, and does cause falsely high temperatures. I'm honestly not sure why my temp would dip a teeny bit then spike again - but I'm really not attributing it to being pregnant. Yet. I didn't have ANY implantation spotting. The only differences I've had this cycle have been that "bubbly"/wet feeling in my vagina. And starting yesterday and continuing today my cervix is sorta of sore and "tight" feeling...I dunno. Maybe I'm just constipated. Or crazy.

I found this awesome feature last month that allows me to OVERLAY all my charts on top of eachother so I can see where I am this cycle, what the similarities are, etc... So I did so - PLUS I included and "average" line of all my cycles so far.

The blue line is average, and the gold line is this month. So as you can see, 7DPO it dipped below average, and today is the highest it has ever been. And in fact, today's temp was .1 degree higher on the first try, but I decided to take the lesser temp just in case.

Isn't that SO crazy that my temp was the EXACT same EVERY ovulation day? I pinned all the charts at ovulation, so my O days were different. But they still had the same temp every time. Weird weird!!!

I can't wait till this 2ww is OVER! I want to be preggo, or AF to just GET here already. Grr. But like I said - I'm just glad hubby is alive and well. And I'm trying not to obsess too much. If I know myself, when I DO get pregnant the test probably won't be positive until freaking 20DPO.

New Thoughts

So if you've been reading my personal blog, you know that Monday my husband had a heart attack. Not my rich 90 year old husband that I am a trophy wife to - my REAL one...who's only 28 years old.

As you can imagine, there are a thousand thoughts running through my head. And by my last post I've deduced that I'd rather pour my emotions out here, than on my regular blog.

I think it takes awhile for things to sink in for me. At first everything was fine. Then I became a little more emotional. Now it seems I can't do anything unless I'm sitting right next to him listening to him breath. Watching the heart monitor. Making sure everything is okay. Which I am, right now.

I guess I just wanted to share everything I'm thinking. With babymaking and all this it seems like I have my priorities messed up. Maybe health should come first, THEN baby....but I thought we were on the right track. The doctors don't really know why he had a clot - his cholesterol was low, he lost 150lbs...it's sort of random and strange. But it got me thinking about all my prayers lately. Wishing for a baby so bad. So to have a baby will I have to give up my husband? Most people love their children more than their husband...but I would rather have my husband than be pregnant. Is this going to be some cruel thing where he dies and I'm pregnant? I told God that was a cool and dramatic idea and all...but I just want my hubby. Will he live and I never get pregnant? Will he die and I not get pregnant? Or have a miscarriage? There's some dramatically romantic story in there somewhere...

I know that I can't escape death. I have so far...the only real thing close to me dying being pets. And my great grandma who I met once. And a friend in high school. Everyone dies. We have to. And everyone has someone like me, who cares about them and would be devastated if they lost them. So why am I special? I kept thinking I'm not strong enough to go through this. AT ALL. I'm not that person who gets stronger or better for losing someone. But it doesn't matter. People lose their children, people lose their whole families. And it's not fair. So why am I any different? There's nothing keeping Brad from dying and keeping me from being a widow and keeping me from having this huge horrible story to tell the rest of my long long life. I'm only 24 years old!

Infertility really seems like a joke at this point. I feel blessed and NOT blessed at the same time. Blessed that he's okay, and the outlook is good, and prayers are on our side. Blessed that 23456 people have asked me if I need anything, but I refuse to say I do. Blessed that I have mental clarity, that I have a job, that I graduated college, that I am married, that my husband is hot, that I have family, that I have talents, that no one has died close to me like they have for other people.... And we'll leave it at the blessings and ignore all the things that others have and I don't. Because that's just life. And I am officially rambling.

In other news, my temperature spiked at 9 DPO today. Good sign? Who knows? Maybe I have swine flu.

Over Analyzing

I think it's possible to think yourself to death. No matter how level-headed I THINK I am, I have come to the point of craziness as I over analyze every possible thing about TTC. Here it is - I am 7DPO, and I feel like I'm 95% certain I am not pregnant. My boobs hurt so bad they throb as I sit here. I have some mild cramps and funky twinges - but nothing I would notice any other cycle. No implantation dip. No abundant creamy CM. Pretty emotional, which means estrogen is high, which is a BAD thing for people with PCOS....anyway....like I said I am over analyzing big time. Which brings me to my long and tiring thought processes....

Science: I'm big into science. I'm not a "if it will happen it will happen" kind of person. I completely believe that it will happen if I make it happen. That's how God works. He won't zap me thin or pregnant or pretty - I have to do it myself. But that's how the hand of God works - he doesn't help us unless we help ourselves. However, I continually wonder about my hormone levels, what my ovaries are doing, I want to know the exact second the egg pops out, I want to know exactly how many sperm survive, I want to know if the sperm and egg actually even MEET and if not - why not. There are so many things that could prevent even the healthiest couple from getting pregnant aside from PCOS or bad sperm...even if you ovulate, and even if the sperm are perfect there's always sperm antibodies, lack of intra-uterine fluid conducive to sperm motility, insufficient uterine lining, and more.

I over analyze my own symptoms - sore breasts mean my estrogen levels are high, but are they TOO high? Don't high estrogen levels mean I have a cyst? If I use progesterone cream will it REALLY cause cancer (only if I live in California of course) like it says on the package? Will it mess up my temperature chart since progesterone causes the temp to rise? Does my temperature have to dip for implantation? Was that twinge implantation? If not, what the heck was it? What about THAT cramp? What does that mean? Will my hair grow back? Why am I crying? Is that a good sign? Why have a gained 6lbs?

And this is the part where all the inexplicable things turn to religion.

Religion: Who really gets what they want in life? People who go to church? People who do the right thing? "Good" people? There are incredibly "good" people that don't get what they want, and have painful struggles, and there are incredibly "good" people that get their perfect lives handed to them. Doing the right thing and being a good person and doing what you're supposed to do doesn't always get you what you want. Doing bad things and disobeying and doing wrong sometimes results in getting exactly what you want. There is no rhyme. There is no reason. Equal numbers of good and bad people get what they want and go through horrible circumstances.

(In case you were wondering, we're talking about getting pregnant here...)

Why can some horrendously fat women get pregnant, and the healthy thin people can't? What about the crack whore? Why can crack whores seem to get pregnant so easily? Or rich people...why can't rich people get pregnant? Shouldn't karma/God/whatever you believe in - if it's truly "real" - make it so the world is right, and good, healthy people get what they want, and bad unhealthy people don't? Wouldn't that be an incentive for bad unhealthy people to be good and healthy? Or is that God's plan? Does He want us to do the right things simply because He said so? He loves us no matter what we do or don't do. But I really find that hard to believe sometimes. Why should he love me as much as the perfectly healthy, thin, obedient girl down the road whose past indiscretions are much less than my own? Why should he love the other unhealthy girl down the road who steals, lies, commits adultery, beats her children...as much as me - who doesn't do all that stuff???

Since I've put getting pregnant on a pedestal, and have made it the "best thing that would ever happen to me in my life" - does that mean I need to truly try and be perfect in order to get it? The crack whore generally isn't "happy" when she finds out that she's pregnant, so is that her punishment?

Then again, as someone who is LDS, I have been taught that drinking coffee, tea, and alcohol isn't something I should do even in moderation - it's something I shouldn't do AT ALL. So if a comparable person to myself who IS NOT LDS has a drink or two every now and then, and I do as well - that would make me worse off because I've chosen to believe in something and have deliberately disobeyed, whereas the non-LDS person was never told NOT to do that. So does that make them better off in the eyes of God since they were ignorant (meaning "didn't know", not "stupid") of the gospel?

Sometimes I just don't get it. I think that's the point. I think everything is completely random, there's no mathematical equation or perfect way to be or act or do... This is normally the part where I say "So I am going to STOP over analyzing everything" - but we all know I won't. Not until AF shows her ugly face on Sunday night at 7:30, and comes full force by Monday morning of course.

Anyone Have Any 2ww Preggo Symptoms?

So here I am, 4DPO....and totally bummed...slash happy...because I HAVE NO CLUE what's going on inside there. "There" meaning my uterus. 

At only 3 and 4 DPO and here's what I'm feeling
 - Mild cramping/backacheyness
 - Some sharpish cramps lasting just minutes.
 - Sore BBS
 - Tired
 - Heart beating pretty hard...

ALL of which I had back in May during a random ovulation.  And ALL but the cramps are normal for my Leuteal Phase.  I know that cramping is  a "sign" of early pregnancy - but at 3 and 4 DPO?  No way.  So I don't think this is my month.  But I also have mild watery discharge and (GROSS: WARNING) it feels like bubbles are coming out of my vajayjay!!!

Also, my temperature chart is pretty much the same every month!  This is so strange!  I have a spike, then another spike at 3DPO, then a fall at 4DPO.  Then I go back up!!!  Weird huh?

2WW!!

Ha! I knew it!!! At first FF wanted to give me crosshairs on CD 29, but I knew I O'd on CD 28. Yesterday and today I have felt mildly bloated and crampy - just enough to notice, but not enough to be uncomfortable at all.

So...I'm 3 DPO. I'm shoveling pineapple and sunflower seeds into my mouth. I'm using progesterone cream. I'm not having any caffeine. Not sure what else you're supposed to do at this point - but I'm hoping this is it. Of course, I hope EVERY cycle is it...

It's About Dang Time!!!!

Here it is...CD twenty-freakin-nine, and I'm like 90% sure that I ovulated yesterday.

Since this time I took 100mgs of Clomid, around CD 12 I started doing OPK's. I thought I might get lucky and O around CD 14 like "normal" people do. Well, many of my OPK's were light, some a little darker, but NOT positive in the least. So around CD 20 I was getting SUPER sad that I wasn't going to O. I was paying attention to every little twinge and all my CM (or lack thereof) and figured "Hey, I might be ovulating but my CM and OPK's just aren't telling me that I am!!"

Well, I should have known. Saturday the EWCM started, so I took the test and DANG - the darkest line I've ever had!! Even in my previous cycles, my OPK would only be about as dark (or even a little lighter) than the control line...but I still O'd. I must have popped out one ginorm egg, or a few, because geez! I took another OPK Sunday, and again on Monday, and they were all way positive.

On Sunday I had the MOST ovulation pain though - again on leftie. There was even pain during sex again, like on my first cycle where the doc thinks I ruptured a cyst. Hopefully that's not the case.

My temp spiked a little today, so I think it's just going to go up from here.

Luckily, hubbs and I have BD'd every day with Pre-Seed...and of course I did the "lay there and wait" thing.

Here's hoping!! C'mon BABY!!! Pray pray pray!

A Few Thoughts...

Recently I got a comment on this blog that - to say the least - wasn't very nice. It was a bitter stab at me personally for a joke I made. I have since deleted the string of comments and the joke and have had to make "anonymous" comments off limits. I don't EVER do that, but since this blog is about the most sensitive subject in my life to date - I really want to keep it friendly.


I wanted to share a few of my thoughts on some things that were said. Though I've already deleted the comment, and I won't address everything...it had me pretty upset. Mostly because it was someone I probably knew well, or who knew me very well (or watches my other blog like a hawk?) and still stayed anonymous when they could have just told me who they were and civilly stated that they were annoyed with my joke. I would have apologized and been nice about it at that point...


Anyway. One of my annoyances was a statment about how I shouldn't be TTC because "I can't even afford 1 tire for my car." Aside from the fact that it was an inaccurate statement - and aside from the fact that Brad and I are doing great financially - I really don't think financial security corrolates with trying to have a baby. That may seem a little stupid, but for me - having a family is a religious choice. I am LDS, and we have a strong belief in growing families and having children. The family is the center of everything we stand for. And I don't think it's necessary to be completely debt free and have savings in order to have a child. I also don't think it's appropriate to PLAN for a child if you have no means of supporting it (i.e. if you PLAN on getting WIC, or something.) If being financially secure was the only way to have children, no one would ever have a family because who is REALLY financially secure these days? You don't have to be "rich" to have children - and the happiest families I know get by day to day working as hard as they can and living frugally. Brad and I will have a very comfortable future, so I'm not worried. But I really don't believe in waiting until you are "rich" to try and have a family.


The other thing that bothered me was a statement about how I don't appreciate my job, and how I screw around at work all the time. I just had to laugh. Who hasn't read a blog or Facebooked at their desk job? I get two 15 minute breaks per day that I never take - so add it up and that's probably how much time I spend "screwing around" - if that. But honestly, the only reason I keep my position is for the experience and the insurance. The pay is embarassing, especially for someone with two college degrees. If I could work FULL time on blog designs I'd make twice as much!

Lastly...I'm a little freaked out about how much this person remembered about me and my blog posts. I guess I sort of assume that people skim through my blog once a week, rather than read every detail. She remembered more than I did about my own life!!! But she did bring up a good point - what if someone Google's me? I should be a little more careful about what I say!

If the signature saying "Loyally in EP" rings true - I'm sad that I probably know who it is :( Oh well.

The Top 10 Dumbest Comments Non-Infertile People Make

It's nice when family and friends who aren't TTC attempt to console you as you're trying to get pregnant. But here are the worst things you can possibly say to an infertile woman...

You can always adopt!

Gee, you think? That'll make me feel better about my uterus being completely barren. Basically you're saying "there's no hope..."

I'll be your surrogate!

Or you could just slap me in the face and scream "I know I'm fertile and you're NOT! HAHA!"

Don't worry, it will happen when you stop trying.

Just because it happened to YOU by accident, doesn't mean it will for me.

Just relax! Don't stress or it won't happen!

Okay, so all the stressed out people of the world are just practicing good birth control?

Have you tried In-Vitro Fertilization?

Well, I was looking for a way to spend that extra $10,000 I had laying around. Thanks for the idea! This is yet another last ditch effort, before adoption.

Just enjoy the time you have with each other now!

I've been "enjoying" our time together for 6 years. I'm ready to mix it up a little.

At least you can go on vacations, to the movies, etc... without a babysitter!

Sure - I'd love to leave a legacy of movie watching and vacations behind after I die.

Oh just wait, you'll be in labor/wiping poopy butts and think twice about wanting a baby!

No way! Dangit...I thought babies were all sunshine and kisses. I guess all my fertility treatments were for nothing because I don't want to have to change a diaper or go into labor. Ugh. I had NO clue that I was in store for that sort of responsibility and pain. Thanks for warning me.

Have you tried (insert random Chinese herbal remedy/Kama Sutra position here)?

No. I did not try the Downward Facing Dog while having sex and drinking tea infused with cloves and raspberries and rubbing EVOO over my body while massaging my uterus and humming. I know everyone else on the planet probably has to do that in order to get pregnant, but I'll pass.

And one of the worst things people do is NOT telling you when someone is pregnant, or someone is having a baby shower because they think you'll turn into Godzilla. I might THINK about breathing fire into their fertile faces, but I still want an excuse to talk, think, and shop everything BABY!

Ahhh Clomid...

Up to this point, I have been very fortunate on my measly 50mgs of Clomid. No real side effects to speak of....some minor headaches, VERY minor hot flashes...but that's about it. I wouldn't have noticed if I weren't so "in tune" with my body now that I'm paying attention to ever grumble, twinge, pain, and tingle. The doc bumped me up to 100mgs, and I took my last dose yesterday. (Today is CD 10.)

I was prepared to have a complete mental breakdown this cycle - so when Brad and I got into a fight a few days ago, and I felt like I wanted to take a knife to his abdomen, I tried to calm myself down as I knew it was a result of the Clomid. Thankfully, while we were fighting he crept away in slight fear, but mostly confusion as I simmered in the house alone. I've been mad at him before (VERY mad) but I never felt physical pain from the anxiety and rage. My heart felt like it was going to choke me, my brain was so foggy I couldn't think. My chest hurt for a good 20 minutes later. I was too mad to throw anything, scream, or cry - but mostly mad because I knew my feelings weren't legitimate even though they felt so "real." Anyway, I wrote Brad an evil letter....then later we both laughed at it. I think I handled it pretty well - and it's the only "episode" I had.

I feel a lot more action from my ovaries, but in small waves. Little twinges of pain here and there as those follies develop. Lots of action is coming from leftie this cycle. Not much from rightie. Last cycle rightie was the active one, and the cycle before that leftie was being a total B word and a cyst ruptured. So definitely more noticeable.

The last and most horribly devastating side effect is my baldness. Okay, not really. But the other day I was looking in the mirror and I noticed that my hair in my "bangs" area was looking a little sparse. I figured it was just the way my hair was styled or something and passed it off. Then a few days later, I had my hair up and Brad said "are you going BALD??"....of course half joking, but half serious...he also passed it off as my hair style. But upon later inspection I realized my hair IS thinning!!! OMG!!!! And my formerly few chin hairs crept up from like 5 hairs...then up to 10....then like 20!!!! What is going on? I thought weight loss, metformin, and Clomid were supposed to HELP with this stuff?? I read that Clomid can cause alopecia (hair loss) in less than like .1% of women. Gee. Awesome. But it's reversible, so as soon as I'm off it it will thicken up again.

I am also taking the D-Chiro Inositol that I got from ChiralBalance.com. I haven't noticed any change in my hair...other than well...the fact that the OPPOSITE of what should be happening, is happening. Who knows...maybe the little capsules are filled with cornstarch?? I have to open them up and take the DCI in powder form. It tastes a little like sugar. But I've only been on it for about a week and they said it takes a few months...

Anyway. It's Cycle #3, and were are on day 10. I still have about 10 days until I ovulate or need to worry about it. That's according to my past charts of course, which could be different this time because I am on a higher dose of Clomid.

I am going to start taking OPK's on CD 12 right after work at about 5pm. I will avoid drinking water two hours before the test as well, so we can be consistent. Then as soon as I start getting EWCM and other signs of O, I will start taking them two or three times per day, depending on how dark they are. All of my cycles so far have shown a nice progression from light to dark. Except my last one, which showed TWO progressions in OPK's! Ugh! But thankfully I was temping, so I caught my REAL ovulation day.

Sorry for the long post...emotionally I feel a little down. Honestly, I am feeling like it's just not going to happen. Why? Well, because I actually OVULATED the last two cycles. (Or at least Cycle #2. Cycle #1 could have just been a cyst.) And I know there's only a 20% chance that I'll get preggo each cycle anyway (with perfect spermies, eggies, etc...) So the likelihood that it will happen just isn't looking good. Plus, Brad is all stressed out and depressed and full of problems of his own. *sigh* I still have hope of course, and during the 2WW I am sure I will feel like I'm pregnant the whole time. After this cycle I'm not doing Clomid anymore. For awhile at least. I just really wish it would HAPPEN. Ugh.

Okay, I Lied a Little

Alright, alright. So hubby and I were driving a few days ago, talking about how we were "waiting" to keep TTC for a few months in order to lose some more weight. I just started my third cycle Tuesday. I mentioned that the "standard" Clomid regimen is three cycles, and usually people get pregnant by their third cycle or so. (Was this a subconcious ploy to convince him? I really didn't mean for it to sound that way as I had come to terms with waiting.) He looked at me perplexed and was like... "Really?? Well what the heck are we doing?? Let's do a third cycle!" I was surprised...but I figured, why not!? If three cycles is what it tends to take, and we stop at TWO and have to start all over again in a few months, that would suck.


So I went to the crotch doc Thursday. He said my chart was awesome but that I have a "Leuteal Phase defect" to which I sort of rolled my eyes. My temp dipped a teensy bit in this last LP, making my chart have a "U" shape (sort of). I think it's my thermometer...


Despite that, he said Clomid usually clears up any LP defects anyway. This time he DOUBLED MY DOSE TO 100mgs!!!! I took my second dose yesterday....

I am making a few changes to this cycle. This morning I got on the scale and the needle was right at 185. I want to lose 5-10lbs this cycle. I don't really care HOW MUCH I lose as long as I am doing the following:

- In the "Making Babies book, they suggest a diet very low in grains and high in vegetables, fruits, and protien. Of course. So I made a MEAL PLAN!!! And I bought all the food for it this weekend.

- I gotta follow the lap-band diet to a "T". No drinking with meals, no snacking, no soups.

- 30 minutes of moderate cardio 4 days per week. It's not that hard. I need to do it.

Supplements/Pills:
- 2000 mgs metformin/day.
- 100mgs Clomid CD 5-9
- Prenatal supplement taken at various intervals throughout the day. Many times we just pop a whole pill, and our bodies get rid of all the extra stuff it doesn't immediately use. So breaking the pill into thirds, and having one with each meal allows your body to better absorb all the vitamins and minerals.
- D-Chiro Inositol, two pills per day.

Wish me luck!! Third time's a charm! I WILL say one thing though. Going from 50mgs/day to 100mgs/day certainly makes the twinges in my ovaries STRONGER. Ow!!!

It's Just Amazing...

...how I can now pinpoint the moment my period will start. And pretty much the moment of ovulation. And yet...even knowing my body so well...still not preggo!

The last two cycles I started AF at Wal-Mart on a Monday night. Right around 7:30-8pm. Weird.

Oh, and if you all are wondering about that Making Babies program, check out www.makingbabiesprogram.com. They have a less-detailed list of symptoms for each body type. But in the book they give you like meal plans, supplement info, etc... I have no idea where to start honestly. I wish they just had this nice, outlined diet plan for me. But I guess I will have to do that myself. *sigh*

Oh well...here's to a new cycle!

Almost Writing Off Cycle 2

So today is CD 35 and my temp went from about 97.5-97.7 down to 97.2 today. I am pretty sure AF is going to start right on time tomorrow! I've had mild cramps for a few days too, plus I took a pregnancy test 10DPO (early I know) and it was negative. Not even a measley EVAP line to mistake for a BFP.



So anywhoo...here's my chart. My cycles are definitely too long, and I am ovulating way late, even on Clomid. So I think it's time to drop 20lbs and stop the drugs (as mentioned in my previous post.)

As always, I had very very sore boobs from O day all the way up until...well..NOW. My chart is just this very delayed...slow process and in the book I read called "Making Babies" that's a classic symptom of the "Waterlogged" body type who commonly also has PCOS! (If you haven't read that book....GO. Read. NOW!) I'll probably talk a lot more about this later.

I'm also thinking about ordering some DCI... It's expensive in pill form, but you can also get it from buckwheat! But you have to eat like four buckwheat muffins per day and I'm not really down with that. I wanted to get some because I looked at my scalp yesterday and was like....wait...am I thinning?? And despite metformin and weight loss...my moustache isn't subsiding. I think it's getting worse? Thank goodness for tweezers. PCOS hasn't really been THAT big of a problem for me in those areas until recently. Especially the hair part. Maybe it's because I dyed my hair? Maybe I slept on it funny? I dunno...but I'm gonna try it.

Wish me luck!

In the 2WW!!!

Check it out!! I KNEW I O'd that day! Literally I woke up and went to work...and felt very..."squishy" down there...I was like...whoa! So I went to the bathroom, and sure enough...a GINORM string (more like mass) of EWCM! I was like...HOLY CRAP!!! PLUS I felt that same gassy like pain on my RIGHT side this time, only it wasn't as painful as last time. Probably because last cycle the doc thinks I ruptured a cyst. But it wasn't "twingey" as much as it was that same gassy pain. So at lunch I went home and convinced hubbs to BD (tee, hee.) Then went back to work. The rest of the day I was very squishy...lol then I went home and took an OPK which was POSITIVE!

But honestly, I don't think we BD'd enough. I mean, the MOST important thing is that we did it the LAST day of EWCM, and we def. did. The next day I was dry as a bone again. Then two days before that was just "fun" - no butt propping or PreSeed. Anyway, we are getting into TMI.

I swear that working out makes you O. I have been horrible about working out...but last cycle I O'd the DAY after I went to a Yoga class after two weeks of no activity. Then the same thing this cycle - after like two weeks of being sedentary I finally went to the gym and the next day I O'd.....

So...here we go! I'm still going to be trying to lose weight, but not like...marathon running or anything at least until AF arrives. I don't think it will happen this cycle...

PAUSE! (We're halfway there!)

I know this is really soon to be "pausing" our babymaking considering we've only been at this officially for two months (and unofficially for three years), but I have good reason and let me explain why.

I am a hypocrite. I see all these overweight women with PCOS, and I think I know what they are going through. They WANT to diet, and TRY to diet....but it just doesn't work. I've been there, and I AM there. I say "Oh, I eat right and exercise." To a point. The fact is, if we all (meaning fat people with PCOS) just shut up, ate vegetables, chicken, fish, low sugar fruits, and ACTUALLY got 30 minutes or more of cardio per day (and did this all for more than one week) we would lose weight. While I'd love to think so, there's no magical "gene" that prevents weight loss with actual EFFORT, will, and determination. Many are genetically predispositioned to be larger (or to crave cookies and fries more often), and yes it IS more difficult to lose weight. But the fact is, if we actually worked our absolute hardest, we could lose the weight. It's mathmatical and scientific and all that crap...it's the emotional part that "gets us." I sometimes like to think that I "can't lose weight no matter how hard I try." But really, we try and give up or "fall off the wagon" - and through little failures like KFC and the couch - manage to keep our weight on. On one week, off one week, on one week, and it goes on. All this emotional turmoil of TTC could easily be solved (for me at least) with one simple solution. LOSE MORE WEIGHT.

I think people who are Trying to Conceive don't place enough emphasis on nutrition and weight. I am reading this book right now called "Making Babies" and it's REALLY a good book. Almost as good as Taking Charge of Your Fertility. But it has a lot of great information on foods that help fertility and has a three month plan on preparing yourself for optimum conception.

All this sort of culminated last night when my husband and I were at the peak of frustration. Him, being a man, didn't really understand the work and effort it takes to chart, and check your CM, and be worried all the time about what your OPK's mean, etc... So of course he said the most insensitive thing in the world - "Well, it's not like you're really TRYING anymore. You're just eating whatever you want which is the problem with your ovaries in the first place." Or something to that effect. Once I got over the initial shock, sadness, anger...I realized...my Gawd. He's RIGHT. Then I proceeded to hate myself until I fell asleep.

While husbands can be dense and uncouth, they can make good points. Especially ones like my husband who WOULD tell me I look fat in a dress if I asked. But the point is, the most common reason for PCOS is being overweight (sorry to you thin cysters...so unfair) and therefore the most simple solution would be weight loss. Well, I DID lose weight. Just not enough. So instead of focusing on my piddly weight loss, I need to focus on the fact that - my gawd - my BMI still says that I'm "obese."

So here's the deal. I am going to lose 27lbs. Right now I am part of an AWESOME 25lbs cyster challenge which is actually PERFECT. But not quiiiite enough. Why?....

I am currently 190lbs. (Give or take...on a bad day.) If I lose 27lbs, I will be in a whole other class of BMI!! Instead of being in the "obese" category, I will be in the "overweight" category at 163lbs! I could go ahead and do the extra "3" pounds but the moment I get to 165 I will probably celebrate early. So let's just go with 163.

I have no idea how long it will take me to lose that amount of weight. It could be one month, it could be five months. It could be even longer, but we won't talk about that. I have lost 25lbs in one month before, but I've also gained 40lbs in three months. I am just going to lose as much weight as I possibly can, as fast as I possibly can. (In a healthy way!) I did it once, now I just need to keep going!

When I am 163 we will address the issue of getting to the "healthy weight" BMI range. Which would mean ANOTHER 27lbs.

54lbs to a healthy weight? Strange, I am down exactly 54lbs from my fattest weight ever. Halfway there!

What a Little Wine Does to Your Chart

I'm 99.99% sure that this isn't an ovulation spike. I have NO other signs or symptoms - and last night I had a few glasses of wine! LOL!! (Naughty me...I know...) But I had no idea it would do this to my chart! LOL!!!



I'm not really sure what I am going to do. I haven't ovulated this cycle, and I am prepared to write it off and move on. (Thus my frustration and wine-drinking. I drink like once per year.) But to my understanding, the RISE of progesterone makes your temp spike during the second phase of the cycle. Then the falling progesterone levels make AF arrive. So if there is NO progesterone to start with (no ovulation) how does AF arrive?? That's why I never understood anovulatory periods! I don't get it!!!

Anywhoo, I am going on a "life change" again. We don't call it "dieting" because people don't like that. Everyone makes you say "life change." My problem is MOSTLY my sedentary job and lifestyle, and not so much "overeating." I sit on my butt 8am-5pm, then come home and sit on my butt to work on my ever expanding and aging list of blog designs. Despite how far I am behind on my layouts, my health is more important than that. So I am going to the gym every day this week for at least one hour in the evening. This upcoming weekend is the marathon, and I was training for it a few months ago. Then TTC came along and I refused to even MOVE for fear that any exercise would hurt my uterus!!!

Anyway...I'm still gonna temp throughout my cycle....see what happens.

Re-Focusing

I have a feeling I am going to be one of THOSE pregnant ladies. You know...

Me: Honnneeeeeey???

Husband: Yes beautiful?

Me: Can you get me some milk and a piece of cake from the kitchen? :D

Husband: Sure sweetie. *gets cake and milk*

Me: Oh...wait...can I also have some more of that stuff you made for dinner? I'm STARVING still? Just reheat it...

Husband: Okay *scurries along*

Me: Thanks babe. Oh, one more thing.... I am seriously CRAVING chocolate, pickles and ice cream right now.....I need all of the above like STAT. I'm nourishing your child here I need my nutrients!!!

Husband: April, you just got a positive pregnancy test this morning - do you really think the undifferentiated ball of cells needs THAT much nourishment?

Me: *pout*

Needless to say, during my leuteal phase I have SERIOUS cravings. So I can only imagine how much worse it will be when I'm preggo. I read that cravings are highest between your O day and your period naturally, so you can nourish your uterus and all that crap for an impending pregnancy. Well, my body doesn't really have problems with "nourishment" as you can see.

So this is where I need the "re-focus." I have been eating pretty crappy lately...lots of sugar and carbs...honestly scared that "dieting" in the traditional sense will be a bad thing for my cycle. Same thing with exercise. You read so many conflicting ideas on how much or little to workout while TTC.

Enough of that crap. I know what I am supposed to be eating, how much I should be working out, and what I need to do to make myself as healthy as possible. So I am getting back on the wagon.

Today is Cycle day 18. I am BONE dry down there, no CM. I feel really energetic, happy (considering the circumstances), not emotional, my boobs don't hurt, I broke out a little more than normal, and I don't really feel like anything is going to happen "soon." As you can see from my chart in the previous post, I think I TRIED to ovulate and it didn't work. So I am not sure if AF will arrive, if I will try to O again, or if I will need a progesterone shot to induce my period.

What the Aych?

Aych means "H" meaning "Hell." Just in case you're Mormon like me and don't "swear." Anyway, here it is. Cycle day 17. And my body is playing EVIL tricks on me! Take a look at my chart.

So...by the looks of the "dip" in my temperature, and all the eggwhite CM I was having, and YES, even a pretty positive OPK - I have not ovulated. I feel like I am practically DEAD this cycle because my temperatures are SO low.

On Sunday (CD 13) I was walking around Fred Meyer (not shopping of course because again, I'm a Mo and don't do that) I felt some ovulation pains coming from leftie. I was hopeful, only to awake to no temp spike. Maybe God was like "Oh, no. Well, I WAS going to make you O today, but you went shopping on a Sunday. And you even went commando. So sorry."

So I am bitter, and freaked out. And now here we are and I already had a progression of OPK's that went from negative, to almost positive, to negative again.

I hate the waiting game! Hopefully I will O on CD 21!!!! I am BONE dry right now. Just clearish and snap-happy CM. But mostly dry. Wow, I never thought I would discuss my CM outside of the Soul Cysters forum.

Why Keep it a Secret?

So, the more and more I learn about people who are TTC, the more and more I see people trying to keep it a secret.

I admit, at first I was hesitant to tell anyone. What if we were judged by family or friends? What if they thought we weren't ready for a child? What if they were even MORE miffed that we were going through infertility treatments and haven't even graduated college yet. (Well, Hubby hasn't.) What if they thought we were too fat/poor/immature?

So I kept it quiet for awhile. At least the fertility drugs part. Not only did I NOT want to tell people that I was barren - I didn't want them to pass judgement.

But who am I kidding here? If I got pregnant what would I say... "Oh it just happened?" No. I worked my ASS of for this baby and went through a LOT to get her in my uterus!!!

At first I was also going to keep this blog private and invite only certain readers. But why? I have learned SO much from other blogs, and I hope that one day I can finally announce my pregnancy on here, and someone else in the shoes I am in now, can read and see all the steps I had to take to get there. I love reading success stories!

So anyway, I don't want to judge people for keeping their TTC a secret because I know how it feels. But I hate lying and I'd hate lying to my kids or my family about HOW we did it. So I am just letting it all OUT!! WOOT!!

The First Cycle

Well, the first cycle was perfect. I took all my vitamins, ate right, took my temperature, checked my cervical mucus (CM), and my cervix... Every cough, sniffle, twinge, and cramp was documented. I took Clomid on cycle days 5-9, and on CD 18 I finally started to get eggwhite CM! (EWCM). So I began taking ovualtion predictor tests/kits (OPK's) on that day.


In previous years, I NEVER got even a faint line. Well, in order for an OPK to be POSITIVE, the line needs to be darker than the control line. Not just THERE. So while the line was faint, and that was a first, it doesn't mean I was going to O. (Ovulate.)

On CD 20 I felt pain in my left ovary. Actually, I had felt pain in that ovary for over a year. I always thought it was just normal pains associated with my (non-existant) cycle. In March 2009 I even went to see what was wrong with leftie, but Dr. S didn't think I should worry. So when there was quite a bit of pain in leftie that day, I was hopeful that ovulation was about to happen!

BUT - I had a marked amount of pain during sex. It was NOT normal. I tend to have a higher pain tolerance, so it wasn't crippling like everyone says a cyst is. But when I woke up on CD 21 I felt a different, "gassy" kind of pain on my left side. It was throbbing, and literally I figured some gas-X would help. I was worried.

So I called Dr. S to schedule an ultrasound for that day. I had been trying to get an ultrasound for a LONG time, and when I mentioned my pain, he scheduled me right away.

Let me tell you, VAGINAL ultrasounds are highly uncomfortable. You'd think they'd make the stick they have to put in there SMALLER than a giant dildo - but no. Then they swirl it around left and right and push it up against your ovaries...which...in my case...at this point...did NOT feel good.

The ultrasound tech said I had "fluid" behind my uterus. Apparently, the area behind the uterus is the MOST dependent variable. I was like..."Okay, what the heck does that mean?" Well, it means that if there is fluid behind the uterus, you ovulated!

However, there was a LOT behind my uterus. An abnormal amount. That usually means a cyst has ruptured. So talking to the doctor, he thinks that is what may have happened. Thankfully, my ovaries looked completely normal though! Just some undeveloped eggs (follicles/follies) and no cysts.

So I continued to take my temperature, and it SLOWLY rose. I will never know if that cyst contained an egg or not - but I learned that even if a cyst ruptures, my temperature can rise. From my chart you can see that it DID rise...but not by much.

As always, we all think regular leuteal phase symptoms are actually us being pregnant. Well...I was hungry ALL THE TIME!!! And my boobs were killing me! But of course, Aunt Flo (AF) started and onto the next cycle!

In The Beginning...

God created man. But he never mentioned how big of a pain in the ass it would be! I'm sure Eve didn't have these problems. She probably got pregnant the first day she wandered the garden all naked. (Who wouldn't get it preggers if they were the only female on the planet walking around naked in front of a man?)


Anyway, when you're trying to make a baby, it's hard to think about anything else. I married my husband in May 2006. Ever since then I've wanted to start a family. At first we just "weren't preventing", then it progressed to "what the heck is wrong with me?", then by summer 2008 it moved to "okay, it's time for defcon 5."

So here we are. Right in the middle of trying to knock me up. We're past the "excited" point, but not quite to the "I hate this I want to quit and never have sex again" point.

My main problem stems from the fact that I have PCOS. I found out from the Google. He called me up and said "Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this...but...according to Wikipedia you show all signs of PCOS." I knew I had it before I went to the doctor in November of 2006 and the doctor told me officially that YES, I have PCOS. (She took one look at me and my symptoms, and despite normal tests still diagnosed me.)

Luckily, weight loss and low carb dieting was the key. Great. Just lose 100lbs and ZAM! You're pregnant! Because we ALL know how easy weight loss is!

My average adult weight was around 210-220lbs. And I've NEVER been thin. I averaged 14-20 from age 13-23. Finally, after dieting to no avail, and taking Metformin, I decided to get the Lap-Band in December 2008.

Today I am 185lbs, and a size 14/16. My periods came back, but were still a little irregular. Everything I have done to lose weight up to this point was for the sole purpose of trying to conceive, so I still wanted to continue to lose weight before we turned to fertility treatments.

But the world doesn't work the way you want it to! I anticipated losing my job soon (because we would be moving) and the thought of not having insurance through doctor appointments and even pregnancy is a NIGHTMARE. So we figured the SOONER the better!!!

June of 2009 I was having a long, light period. So I called my OBGYN (Dr. S) who stuck me in the butt with a shot of progesterone to stop the period I was ON, and start a fresh one.

July 8th, 2009 I started my first cycle I officially consider it my first day of "TTC."

See my timeline for more information!